Friday, June 11, 2010

Today's New in Theaters- 6/11/10

Jesus Christ, I can barely work up the energy to write about this week's new releases, they're so fucking depressing. It's not bad enough that, in the wake of Transformers, every kitschy goddamned thing from the early 80s has to be dug up and hate-fucked into a new piece of motion picture "product"; this week, we get two of them, and in most of the theaters across this great land of ours, those are your only choices. Here, rubes! Eat this shit!

The A-Team: Let's make it clear--"The A-Team" was never good, ever. It was a lousy television show that gained a brief bit of pop culture relevance, primarily because Mr. T had a mohawk and said goofy/tough things. But hey, the quality of the original product doesn't enter into the remake equation--if there's brand recognition, full speed ahead! Hey, who'd like a nice addition to their house? Liam Neeson, we're sending a truck full of money over. Hey Bradley Cooper, you're become immensely likable and carrying some marquee heft--how's about whoring out for a surefire piece of shit? Jessica Biel, we all know you can't act, so be on set Monday morning and look hot. Let's make some movie magic, people!

The Karate Kid: This one is foul with the stench of not just unnecessary remake, but vile Hollywood nepotism; I'm amazed there's not some bullshit Tori Spelling-style cover story about how no, no, Jaden Smith had to audition. Anyway, yeah, it's this thing you liked in the 80s, so come spend money on it again, the end.

I would link to some reviews of these movies, but seriously, who gives a shit.

There is one (1) new movie opening today that's worth a damn, and that's Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work, which I've written about plenty already, so there's that. Oh, and Coco Chanel & Igor Stravinsky opens too (which Burchby at DVD Talk liked), but I didn't see that, so I'm gonna ignore it since it doesn't further my thesis.

Point is, crap week for movies.


  1. It's Jessica Biel, not Jessica Alba on The A-Team. Not that it matters much...

  2. Six of one, half dozen of the other. Still, embarrassing and corrected. Thanks for the heads-up.